Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow...

The end of the 2016 election cycle is mercifully upon us. It feels like finally seeing the finish line after crawling the last 10 miles on your hands and knees over broken glass and occasional barbed wire. To say this election has been painful is like saying the Titanic didn't quite make its destination.

For a long while there I let this election turn me into someone I am not and have no desire to be. A judgmental, name-calling, us against them, not crazy but not entirely sane person. The kind who mentally rages against someone because they pass by sporting the wrong sticker on his bumper. Or worse, the kind who turns her back on good people because if they're voting for the other side we're through.

My turning point in this vitriolic election was seeing a Facebook post from a girl I went to high school with. Her post was an unabashed "In spite of everything that's happened I'm voting for the other side"deal. And where I had been shifting up, blood pressure elevated, rhetorical arguments locked and loaded, in this particular instance I instead remembered smiling at pictures of her kids and praying for her when she went through a particularly challenging time. Thankfully, a different shift happened as I took a deep breath and thought, "I won't abandon someone I've asked God to help."

I recently celebrated my 14th wedding anniversary. That many years plus three kids ages 6, 4, 2, work, and general life reminds me that love requires a daily choice--just like community and friendship (whether on Facebook or real life). When my husband was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2015 and underwent two surgeries I can tell you good people offered prayers and assistance. They cooked meals for my family and took me to lunch when I wanted to be alone but didn't need to be. They didn't ask me how I voted in the last election or how I felt about Obamacare before jumping in and giving. They recognized that a member of their community was hurting and they did what they could to get me through it. They chose the common bonds that have brought us this far and will lead us home.

Wednesday is going to be a hard day--however this crazy cycle ends a good chunk of the nation, our friends, coworkers, and neighbors will be angry, hurt and disappointed. So let's make a deal--if we've made it this far together let's agree that we're going to choose each other and stay in this for the long haul. I may stay off Facebook for a while but I won't unfriend you because I still want to smile at your kid's picture and watch him grow up. Maybe we won't chat at the copier first thing Wednesday morning but you're still my work buddy and laughing in the kitchen is one of the favorite parts of my day. You're still my tribe, my community...I still love you...I still need you.

My church sings a song written by gospel artist Hezekiah Walker called "I need you to survive." It's a beautiful melody reminding the body of Christ that we're one and hurting another member ultimately inflicts pain on ones self. Part of the verse says,"You are important to me/I need you to survive," and the bridge, which I particularly love, says, "I won't harm you with words from my mouth/I love you/I need you to survive." This sentiment extends beyond the church walls and best sums up what I'm trying to say.

When the hurricane rages, the fires burn, or the cancer scares it's not the president who shows up with a warm blanket and a casserole. The person who shows up is the "idiot" with the wrong bumper sticker on his truck...that's what makes community such a beautiful thing. I'm sorry I forgot that for a moment...and if I said or did anything to offend or make you question our mutual part in this community I'm sorry. I lost my way--forgive me.

However you vote or don't vote, believe me, we're in this together. Will you still love me tomorrow? I hope so. Either way I've decided my answer is yes.

Open Letter Follow Up

In the weeks since I penned an Open Letter to Colin Kaepernick,an increasing number of athletes have begun kneeling during the national anthem, and there have been two high-profile police shootings: Terence Crutcher in Tulsa, OK and Keith Scott in Charlotte, NC. I stand by everything I said in the letter, and I maintain that despite its flaws the United States of America is one of the greatest nations on earth. 

BUT...

do not think that means I'm not as hurt, disappointed, frustrated, and angry at these most recent shootings. Here's the thing--we live in a world of grays and not the stark contrasts some would have us believe. 

You can be outraged by the shooting deaths of unarmed black men at the hands of law enforcement and still think the national anthem is worth standing for (read the post to understand why I feel that way); you can respect the police and still call them out when they're wrong; you can show empathy and love to your African-American colleagues and neighbors who are angry and hurting even if you don't understand why and you don't agree with the protests.

America has work to do...and that work is ugly and messy and hard. I don't know how we'll get there but I believe we will because that's what Americans do...but I do believe communication is the starting point. Let's talk TO each other and not AT each other. You don't understand this post--email me. You see someone demand the Tulsa officer be indicted and you don't agree--talk to them. Your friends are outraged at Colin not standing for the national anthem but remain silent about unarmed shootings--ask them why. Our experiences may differ but what brings us together is stronger than what tears us apart.

On Call, Part One

Note: Names used are not real

It's 10:38pm when the distinctive ringtone sings out. My heart seizes and I jump just a little. "Why do you still do that," I ask myself. There's no need to look at the name displayed, but I see it out of habit anyways. "Hello, this is Hope," I answer with a mixture of calm and dread. After an uneventful Saturday, the "call" part of being on-call has found me and I'm needed at  the emergency room. Thirty-one year old female, depressed, suicidal. I scribble notes and get out of the house as quickly as my three children will let me. On the five minute drive to the hospital I pass by the police department, and I wonder if the patient lives in town or not and if she'll need to be transported by them, or anyone, before the night's over. 

I pull into the ER parking lot and put on my ID badge. It's a simple photo ID encased in plastic, but putting it on is my uniform, and it transforms me from Hope, mother, wife, PR specialist to Hope, emergency services crisis worker. It's a meaningful shift for me, and I've never worked without that square of plastic dangling from a red lanyard I'm told will breakaway and not be used to strangle me in case of emergency.

It's a warm night, and I look up at the September moon shining brightly.  If I'm lucky I'll see it again as I leave the hospital and head to a bed that was calling me hours before the phone rang. If I'm less fortunate, it'll be chirping birds and sunlight that greet my weary eyes.

Three years into this job, the initial shiny newness has worn off. I'm no longer excited to get the call, grabbing up my workbag and "rolling out." Now, a good night is any when the phone does not ring and my next morning's report is "all quiet" (on the western front I can't help but mentally add). I'm not a shining example of professionalism in the moments before I see the patient. I'm ticked off that my evening or my sleep  (depending on the hour) has been interrupted and I question why I keep doing this. "This couldn't have waited until morning," I think. I don't feel guilt or shame about my thoughts because they're a way-station as I travel to empathy, support and positive regard.  Those thoughts and any related emotions disappear, every ounce of it, the minute I knock on the door and walk into the patient's room. "I'm Hope from mental health. They asked me to come talk to you." 

Not a few times my name has elicited a smile and acknowledgement that I have "the right name for the job." In that moment I always say a silent word of thanks to my deceased Aunt Claudine who insisted my parent's name me Hope. "God told me to name her Hope. You have to name her Hope" is what I heard growing up. Sitting on the small black stool, looking into the pained, tearful eyes of "Ana" I have never been so deeply grateful for this simple name. 

I click on my pen "So, what brings you here tonight?"

End of Part I. Click here for "On Call, Part II" 

On Call, Part II

Click here for On Call, Part One


"So, what brings you here tonight?"

This is my favorite part of the assessment--the story, the why that has led our paths to cross. I never know what will follow those six words. Sometimes it's an unfocused flight of psychosis with delusions and hallucinations both auditory and visual. People like Phillip with nonsensical ramblings about God and the government, who could not answer the simplest of questions--what is your name, when is your birthday. 

People like Paul who sees dead people and Rebecca who's struggle with depression is complicated by the voices telling her to "do it, do it, do it."

In my first solo outings as a crisis worker, I hesitated to ask the person in front of me if they heard voices or saw things other people didn't. "Of course this perfectly calm, logical individual in front of me isn't hearing voices," I thought foolishly. I carried that bias until I met Michael who said "yes, I hear gospel music," and John who said "yes, I see shadows" and Charlotte who said "yes, I see my dead father standing at the foot of my bed shaking his head."
"Why is he shaking his head," I probe.
"Because he's so disappointed in me."

These cases, the ones that fulfill stereotypes of mental illness are surprisingly easy. A man walking in the middle of the road, not eating, and wearing a coat on a 100 degree day is an easy assessment with a clear solution--inpatient admission by way of temporary detention order or TDO. I find a bed at a psychiatric facility and go before the magistrate who issues the TDO ordering the person to the found facility for a minimum of 72 hours. A clear need meets a clear answer. 

But these cases are fairly few. What is far more likely is the everyday illness that dances at the edges of us all: depression and anxiety often with a dose of substance abuse for good measure.  A bad marriage, job loss, molestation, physical illness, the death of a grandparent--God awful events, sometimes layered, that hit a person so hard and fast they just can't get back up. How do you cope when you lose the one person who's ever truly loved you? How do you bounce back from years of mental abuse that's stripped away your sense of self and strength? So often my heart breaks for the person they are...and the one I could have easily become. A different uncle here a different choice there and the roles could so easily be reversed. 

"Did you want to die, " I ask Ana. A cheating boyfriend, a bad fight, and a fistful of pills have led her to me. Of course the alcohol she had earlier didn't help matters.
"At the time, yes but I don't any more. I feel so stupid."
"If you go home tonight, what will happen?"
What I don't want to hear is "I don't know...or I'll try again...or next time I'm gonna do it the right way."
"I just want to go to bed and get some sleep,"  she says.

I've been assessing her the whole time and that answer confirms what my gut has been saying--she made a really poor choice in the heat of the moment but she'll be alright to go home. No prior psychiatric history or suicide attempts, no current suicidal thoughts or ideas, upbeat mood, and positive outlook. She's sobered up some too and the difference sobriety brings never ceases to amaze me. We talk about the benefits of counseling and I refer her to outpatient treatment. I hope she'll follow up but I have my doubts. I know the pull for help will weaken as she moves further and further away from this night and this crisis.

She signs my form, I wish her good luck and I walk out of her room. I hope she follows through with outpatient treatment so she never needs to be seen in crisis again. Best case scenario for anyone I've seen is that we never meet, professionally, again. Only time will tell.

I inform Ana's ER physician that I'm clearing her. She has no medical problems so she'll be discharged within minutes. I go to my designated work area to create the digital version of my assessment and wrap the case. I have a superstition that makes me work quickly because if I don't another case will walk through the door.

Walking out of the ER the moon is still shining brightly. Since Ana didn't need to be transferred to a psychiatric facility the case is resolved within 2 1/2 hours, and I put this in the good night column. 

I get into my van, pull off my name badge, and head home.

Author's Note: I started working as an on call emergency services worker July 2013. I was five months pregnant with my 3rd daughter--clearly my judgement should have been called into question. Today is July 27th and tonight I will work my last shift as a crisis worker. The work has been challenging and immensely satisfying. I am honored and deeply grateful to have played a small part in helping citizens in my region access the mental health services they needed. This work is bigger than me and continues. Please keep my (now former) colleagues in your prayers.